Self-Respect, Shame, & Submission: A Conversation with Mistrix Sade

This is part 2 of a 2 part conversation between Mistrix Sade and Myself that We had a few months ago in which We shared Our thoughts and experiences on the topics of self respect and shame in submissives and how these energies shape Our respective BDSM facilitation practices. I found this discussion to be meaningful, important, and I think it speaks to Our mutual philosophies in a way that I hope will shed some light on a topic that often goes unspoken about in the world of Professional Dominance and submission. The second part of this conversation can be found here.

Mistrix Sade is an NYC based Professional Dominatrix with over 9 years of industry experience. Deconstructive and experimental in approach, Her BDSM practice aims to facilitate holistic and transformative experiences.

Part one of this conversation can be found here.

Faustine: I would say that I also notice cues beginning with the application process and there is a positive correlation between the potential clients’ respect of themselves and their ability to properly find, fill out and support my application, screening, and deposit process. It seems that any deviation in following along in my simply laid out booking protocol can honestly indicate that a person might potentially try to make ME do more work to help them get what they want without any sense that they’re needlessly and selfishly burdening me. This is going to cause the opposite affect from what we usually say we want from a Ds relationship. This is going to mean that they are already negatively serving me, not positively serving me, and if they can’t sense that or wrap their head around that then I don’t want to have to take on the burden of educating them on how to not be a bad submissive from the very outset. I don’t have time for free educating anymore as my business and lifestyle take on more momentum and growth. So I ignore people who can’t figure out how to read and research to get what they want first and foremost I suppose.

Then there are the signs that come in over time such as in initial discussions and sessions, and these signs seem to include things like any projections of problems that they are having or baggage that they are carrying. I have had clients in the past try to project problematic relationships that they have with their boss or their wife or even their other Dominas onto me, and I won’t have any of it. It feels inappropriate, highly disrespectful, and belies an unconscious wound that the submissive might have that they are not addressing on their own time, which means they aren’t being clean with their relationships with other people such as myself, and are unconsciously trying to sort out these problems that they have by utilizing me non-consensually (in an uncommunicated way) for this purpose.

There seems to be some lack of self-respect here, because these submissives don’t have the consciousness and self-awareness to even understand the negative emotional games they’re attempting to play with Me, someone they are paying TO RESPECT, or the emotional baggage they are trying to unpack all over me, and therefor they don’t have the wherewithal to understand that they need therapy to process these issues, not a professional or personal D/s scenario or relationship. It signals a lack of self-respect when a submissive isn’t taking the time to improve themself in terms of addressing mental and emotional distress with the professionals who are designed for that, mental health care professionals, or especially if they don’t feel they deserve it. (In the case of submissives who simply lack access to mental health care due to finances, it’s forgivable and understandable for them to not be working with actual mental health practitioners, but that means they also wouldn’t be able to afford to play with me either so it’s a non-issue in terms of the situation I’m discussing here, but want to clarify this anyways. There no shame in financial hardship but there is if your priorities rank seeing a SW as higher than seeing a mental health professional when you’re clearly needing support mentally and emotionally.)

Sade: Dominating a humiliation submissive who has self-respect and understands that exploring their

desires exist within a carefully negotiated container feels liberating, thrilling, and positive. Reclaiming the psychological/emotional loss of control and associated pleasurable feelings that occur with humiliation enacted in a safer space (meaning a space that is well defined and negotiated) brings a certain levity to the experience. It also makes me feel comfortable really engaging with the kink on the deep or dark level the submissive might be craving, knowing that we can return to a more level engagement at the end, outside of the scene. With humiliation, I'm here to tear a subs ego down for pleasure and as a healthy exercise in loss of emotional control. If the sub didn't respect themselves, there could likely be a lack of demarcation between the scene and their actual sense of self-worth and that doesn't feel like a healthy place from which to be engaging in such potentially heavy play. I'm here to foster net positive interactions and never to cause actual harm and being mindful with how I approach humiliation is a huge part of that. Emotional sadism/masochism needs to be explored with as much care as physical sadism/masochism as the risks of causing actual damage are just as real.

Faustine: I love how you phrase “fostering net positive interactions” that’s my goal as well, and I resonate with the way you described the liberation created by simply having clear boundaries and containers for psychological play. It’s true that having a start and an end to the humiliation is important to foster that net positive impact with our interactions with submissives. If they have a healthy self-respect outside of session then you are able to create clarity for yourself and your sub around the psychological spaces that we make to step in and out of ones personal power. Since it is never truly abandoned, merely set down for a while, it can become a healthy practice to to let go of ones ego. Thanks for exploring this illuminating and very important topic with me, Mistrix Sade. I hope that this discussion can shed some light on this very tricky issue that rests between the folds of the light and dark aspects of BDSM facilitation and exploration.

Sade: Thanks so much for sharing your incredibly nuanced thoughts on this subject. It has truly been a pleasure to have this dialogue with you and I hope informative and enlightening for those who seek to serve and submit to us.

Part one of this conversation can be found here.